COUPLE COUNSELLING
Couple counselling is for couples, regardless of whether they are married or not. Sessions take place in a safe space and look to improve communication and to resolve issues within an intimate relationship. Approach is a practical one, whereby couples are given "homework" to complete in between sessions.
2 out of 3 marriages sadly fail today, so there is more need for relationship counselling and guidance than ever before. Marriages fail for several reasons but some of the reasons include us living in an instant gratification society where we believe that if something is not working then we need to abandon it and find someone else to make it work with. Many people have a false perception of what marriage is and are ill-equipped to deal with some of the challenges marriage brings. Marriage is not two halves coming together to form a whole but it should be two complete whole individuals forming one. It is advisable to complete some form of a marriage preparation course, where any unresolved issues can be dealt with, before entering into marriage. Marriage tends to act as a magnifying glass whereby it magnifies any problems which existed before getting married. Examine your reasons for wanting to get married. Is it out of neediness and perhaps loneliness or is this truly the person you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with?
LOVING YOU WITHOUT LOSING ME
With divorce rates being so high, many of us haven't had the opportunity to grow up witnessing what a healthy relationship looks like. Add to that the unrealistic depiction of romance in movies and it becomes challenging to navigate just what we should or shouldn't be doing or expecting in our intimate relationships. It is unfair of us to expect another person to fulfil ALL of our needs. We have an obligation to our future partner to ensure that we are a healthy whole person before jumping into the relationship. How often don't we use the other person as a band-aid to heal from a previous relationship gone wrong?
Healthy relationships allow you to capitalize on your strengths as a couple while maintaining your own identity, Relational boundaries are working when partners both feel grounded and connected. Relationship satisfaction is directly connected to your overall quality of life so it's important to address problems as they arise and not to wait until a mountain has formed. That said, it is also important to pick your battles; it's ok for each partner to agree to disagree on some topics. It is more about mutual respect and maintaining an adult relationship without allowing a parent-child dynamic to develop.
Signs that you may be starting to lose yourself in a relationship:
- You avoid conflict/silence yourself
- You can't identify your own needs/interests
- You lose your opinions
- You frequently question yourself
- You prioritise the needs of your partner to the detriment of your own
- You let go of your own self-care
- You frequently compromise but quietly feel resentment building
Questions to ask yourself
What keeps you in the relationship? (I'm here because I want to be versus it's difficult to leave)
What is it like to be partnered with you?
What are you most proud of about your relationship?
What are your underlying beliefs (for example: I am not good enough, no-one could love the true me, it's just a matter of time before my partner leaves me etc.). These beliefs have a tendency to become self-fulfilling prophecy in a relationship and stand in the way of achieving a deeper level of intimacy.
Photo credited to Jonathan Borba
SEXUAL FULFILLMENT WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP
The most important step to achieving sexual fulfilment is to understand the differences between men and women when it comes to sex. Sex is not about satisfying a need it is about expressing one’s love physically and forming a deeper bond with each other.
- There is a saying which states that “sex begins in the kitchen”. A man who prioritises his wife outside of the bedroom is much more likely to encounter a loving and receptive woman when he climbs into bed at night. Physical touch throughout the day is often a great form of foreplay and will add to sexual intimacy.
- Both partners must be committed to satisfying the other before themselves.
- It is often difficult to always be in the mood especially in today’s hectic lifestyle and especially when children are added to the equation so it is vital to still make time to connect not only on a sexual level but also on an emotional level.
- Keep things interesting and avoid falling into a routine. Surprise one another and spice things up every once in a while. Leave a sexy note somewhere for your partner to find or arrange a secret rendezvous at a bed and breakfast to surprise your partner.
- Have a “date evening” at least once a month where you both dedicate time to each other. Make a rule that neither of you will discuss work, the broken sink, the children etc. but make a point to only focus on each other. It does not have to cost a lot but setting aside time to build on your relationship is vital.
- Communication is vital to learn to know each other and what each person values and enjoys. Do not ridicule each other if one partner dares to express their deepest desire.
- Respect your partner if they do not feel comfortable doing something and never use force.
- Be wary of the influence of pornography. It does not depict a healthy view of sexuality and it becomes about merely satisfying one’s own needs and not about the other person. Pornography also releases dopamine in one’s brain which can become addictive and men or women involved in viewing pornography may find their brain has become rewired only to respond to pornographic images and not to their partner.